I’m scared we’re gonna burn out soon

fade away, no more me and you

I don’t want our fire to disappear

I like the intensity of having you near

So let’s take shots of gasoline

Chase it down with kerosene

Grab my shoulders and give me a kiss

I want to taste fire on your lips

Make me remember what it’s like to feel

Kiss me so hard I know it’s real

So let’s strike matches with our teeth

Swallow the flames and burn everything

What we have will never last

We’re meant to be a thing of the past

But tonight could be our forever

Let’s burn ourselves out together

Kiss to leave marks like cigarette burns

Fuck every life lesson we’ve ever learned

Tomorrow morning, things won’t be the same

but I just can’t let you become an old flame

Every month on the eighteenth at half past three
I end up sitting under that same oak tree
I’m holding on to this stupid belief
That one day you’ll find your way back to me
We both screwed up a lot along the way
But in all of that mess we got something right
Hot Georgia summer days that bled into breezy nights
Poetic words from mouth to ear under starlight
A walk through the shallow green creek
Catching fireflies and setting them free
Swapping T-shirts and sprinting home
Sunrises that we didn’t mean to stay up to see
Summer ended and we lost touch
But if you ever want, you know where to find me
I’ll be sitting under that same old oak tree
Every month on the eighteenth at half past three

it was the kind of story you read all about

in the final paragraph of a suicide note

a broken apology screamed into nothing

shattering the glass but nobody’s home

stumble outside and look up to the sky

rain coming down while you’re screaming out why

did things really have to end this way

what’s the point of waking up to face another yesterday

falling to your knees and you’re all alone

hands clasped and eyes closed in a desperate prayer

letting go of the hope that something would change

time to understand that they weren’t there

stumble outside and look up to the sky

rain coming down while you’re screaming out why

did things really have to end this way

what’s the point of waking up to face another yesterday

they found you in the morning with your head on the ground

you’d slipped away without a sound

no more pain on your peaceful face

they say that you’re in a better place

stumble outside and look up to the sky

rain coming down while I’m screaming out why

why the hell did it end this way

every tomorrow feels just like yesterday

it was the beginning of June

we were watching The Daybreakers

which was a really stupid movie, by the way

I don’t remember much of the plot,

only that I didn’t pay attention

but I do remember the way you smiled and blushed

when you leaned in and whispered

“I love you, Caitlyn”

it was the end of May

we were watching Rubber

which made The Daybreakers look like a work of true genius,

in case you want my opinion on the subject

not that you would because you never did

I remember every detail of that plot-less film

and the way you pulled away and said,

“It’s all over, Caitlyn”

I just want thirty minutes of your time

Thirty minutes to set all my wrongs right

Can you give me thirty minutes, just us two

There’s a million things that I’ve gotta tell you

Nothing’s been the same since you left

I’m struggling just to keep you out of my head

I still miss you but you’re fucking gone

You gave me a feeling that I did something wrong

I know you’re busy, but could you maybe spare

Thirty minutes to hear all the things I need to share

I’m sorry for the fight that we had last June

For lying when I said I’d talk to you soon

I forgive you for the harsh words you screamed

And for the love of god, don’t give up on your dreams

I’ve missed you more than you could guess these months

I want to repair all the shit we’ve done

I’m sure there’s something you want to say to me too

Thirty minutes—that’s all I ask of you

when I was a little girl

you taught me how to climb trees

somewhere in the back of your mind

do you still have those memories?

through the haze of smoke

can you still see the summer of ‘01

do you remember is at all

the creek and the leaves and the sun

I want to flip back the calendar

go back to that day for a while

now I know how it turns out

I’d give anything to see your smile

too much pressure

I’m drowning in your expectations

that I know I can never meet

can’t live up to who you want me to be

loosen your grip just a little bit please

you’re pushing so hard I can’t breathe

I don’t know who I am around you anymore

am I who I used to be

or am I just your failed project

tossed to the corner and left alone

since I’ve never been good enough

never been what you wanted

you’ve polished me to perfection

but I still don’t shine

Right now,

we’re on the edge of a cliff

how deep is the water

will we hit rocks on the way down

and splatter

should we turn around now before we slip

or should we dive right in

without thinking of the consequences

would the plunge be worth it

You’re not who you used to be

You’re not smiling and laughing and too young to be that old

You’re a plot in the ground that’s five years cold

You’re a stone with some pretty words and your name

You’re a coffin and a family that will never be the same

You’re a ghost in every corner of that tiny old town

You’re the shadow that follows us whenever we come around

You’re the leaves once they’ve fallen off the huge oak trees

You’re the savior of Georgia summers—a gentle breeze

You’re the box of grey photographs in an untouched room

You’re the forgotten promise of “I’ll visit again soon”

You’re an empty spot at the table for nine

You’re a liar who let us believe you were perfectly fine

You’re the whisper of an Elvis song I think I once knew

You’re all your old pieces but you’re just not you

You took away my razors and kissed both my wrists

You told me that I could do better than this

You listened to my story and made me swear

Not to do it again ‘cause you’d always be there

For sixteen months, I was cut-free

But there came a day when you weren’t there for me

I begged for help and you pushed me away

Said you didn’t have time for what I had to say

So I got out a new razor and slashed my hips

The one that made me stop made me do all this

**at some point, I’m going to do something with this. I’m going to make it like seven times better. Consider this a rough draft**

there’s memories of you everywhere

my notebooks from sophomore year, with your stupid doodles of fire

and pages of poems

because you went through that phase where you were obsessed

and wrote dozens of haikus about haikus

my old phone, which doesn’t even work

but I know there’s pictures of you and pictures of me

but not a single picture of us

because you said we didn’t need pictures as validation

and your number is still saved there,

where I know I can’t get it

the gas station where we walked to get Monsters

even though you claimed you were giving up caffeine

the classrooms where we sat and talked and stole kisses

the stairway where we did more than kiss

the woods where I got all those ant bites

and you laughed for ten minutes while I freaked out

but you knew I was terrified of ants

that box that still holds ticket stubs and drawings and a Yu-Gi-Oh card

and every corner of my mind,

no matter how much spring cleaning and dusting I do,

still has too many memories of you

I’ve had to rearrange my day to fit the empty spaces

It’s midnight and you didn’t say goodnight

It’s 3 am and you don’t drunk text me,

detailing how much you love me

and I can’t send it back, correcting all the errors

It’s 6 and I don’t call you just to say

what’s the story, morning glory?

knowing you hate the mornings

It’s 8 and you don’t apologize for things you forgot you said last night

because you didn’t say anything last night

Dear God (part II)

I just want to know why.

You’re supposed to be good, right?

If that’s the case,

then why…

why

why would you let that happen?

Why didn’t you listen when I begged for help?

Why do I still feel this way, three years later?

Why did you let it happen?

Why weren’t you there for me when I cried and screamed?

Why didn’t you answer me when I prayed?

Why have you ignored me for three fucking years?