Nothing says “I can’t sing” like twirling batons at Miss America.
— my dad
with one sentence, my dad has summed up tumblr: “that’s somehow funny and tasteless at the same time”
- Me: Why do bands break up?
- Dad: Because they're 12 year old girls with egos.
- Me: It sucks when one of your heroes from eighth grade is in a child sex scandal...
- Dad: I guess he couldn't get out of eighth graders.
- Me:
- Me:
- Me:
- Dad: I'm so sorry.
- Me:
- Dad: That was wrong. Even for me.
- Me: It smells like Christmas!
- Dad: Family drama and the county jail?
So the night of the election, my dad came home with five containers of ice cream. He explained, “If Obama gets elected, we can eat in moderation and call it celebration. If Romney gets elected, we can eat all of it and put ourselves into sugar comas and call it suicide.”
- Me: So my friend got arrested for-
- Dad: I used to walk home with a guy who's now in jail for murder.
- Me:
- Me:
- Me:
- Me: You win.
- Me: Way to go.
Things my dad has done today:
- Got a flat tire running over a pair of safety scissors
- Used the phrase “not as long as you’re in my house, breathing my oxygen” when talking to my 12-year-old brother
- Told me I can stay home the day of the Mayday Parade/The Maine concert so that I’m “emotionally prepared” for it
Hell will be filled with the kind of people you DON’T want to punch in the face. It will be glorious.
— My dad
- Dad: Mass murderer is an awful term.
- Me: Uh...why?
- Dad: You can't murder mass. According to science, mass can be neither created nor destroyed. Therefore-
- Me: I GET IT, OKAY.
- Me: If you watch the history channel at 1 am, I think it's kind of assumed that you're a nerd.
- Dad: Or a stoner.
- Dad: Why are you singing a song about Anne Boleyn?
- Me: It's Amber Lynn...
