I’m scared we’re gonna burn out soon
fade away, no more me and you
I don’t want our fire to disappear
I like the intensity of having you near
So let’s take shots of gasoline
Chase it down with kerosene
Grab my shoulders and give me a kiss
I want to taste fire on your lips
Make me remember what it’s like to feel
Kiss me so hard I know it’s real
So let’s strike matches with our teeth
Swallow the flames and burn everything
What we have will never last
We’re meant to be a thing of the past
But tonight could be our forever
Let’s burn ourselves out together
Kiss to leave marks like cigarette burns
Fuck every life lesson we’ve ever learned
Tomorrow morning, things won’t be the same
but I just can’t let you become an old flame
So for the record, I’m not really back. Not yet. I’m just posting a couple poems because come on, I’ve got nowhere else to put them. It’s not like I can put them on facebook where people I know will see them or just walk up to the people I wrote about and be like “hey, I wrote this about you TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.” And also to post a couple rants that I’ve been keeping in and I’m three seconds away from exploding if I don’t post them.
To anybody that cares,
You may or may not have noticed, but I haven’t been on tumblr much lately. I have a couple of messages that I’ll eventually get around to answering, but in case anybody wants to know why I haven’t been on, I’m giving an explanation.
When I first joined tumblr, it was my escape from everything. I could come here and vent about everything that was wrong with my life. I could rant about my anxiety attacks, I could post my poems without fearing judgment, I could cry my heart out over the past/present/future, I could mention my self-harm without worrying about somebody I know finding out. It was the safe zone. People on tumblr understood me. When I had a slight trichotillomania relapse over the summer, some of my lovely followers were there for me and helped me through it.
To those of you that sent me nice messages, that were there to comfort me and give me advice when I didn’t even know I needed it, thank you. You are the reason I stayed here as long a I did.
I know that my blog is, for the most part, fandom/bandom. But I do occasionally post personal stuff. (I mean, half of my ‘text’ tag is personal.) I post my poems and I talk about what’s wrong and whatnot. It’s not too often because even now, I can still be a little uncomfortable sharing details about my life.
I posted a poem about two weeks ago. Here it is, if any of you are curious. It got a few likes, etc. I don’t post my poems for the likes, I post them to put them somewhere.
But shortly after I posted it, I received a long anonymous message. Well, it was three consecutive messages. I read over it so many times, debating whether or not I should post it. I decided not to, and I deleted it.
Then I received another one.
They called me a coward for not posting the first one. That I was scared to let other people know what they thought of me. Told me I’m pathetic, go kill myself, etc. You know, the usual anon hate. I’ve gotten a lot of it, rarely posted any. And apparently that makes me a coward and pathetic.
So here it is. I don’t have the entire thing committed to memory, but the gist of their first message was this: If that poem was about a friend committing suicide, it was my fault. They said that I’m the kind of person that would drive their friends to killing themselves and that I should do the same. Then they proceeded to point out a lot of my biggest insecurities. They accused me of faking anxiety. And I guess they read my “Caitlyn with a C” section, because they went on to tell me that “trichotillomania isn’t a real disease” and that I just want attention. It was a lot of stuff like that.
And I really hate to admit it, but that hurt.
I don’t know what happened to the tumblr I used to love so much. It was an accepting community of people who understand and are there for each other. Home away from home. But that’s not what it is anymore.
I miss that tumblr, I really do.
I don’t know if I’ll come back to this blog. I’m thinking of starting another, just for rants and such. If I do, I may post the link, I may not. I don’t want the anons to follow me there.
I just want you guys to know that, for the most part, my experience on tumblr was wonderful. If I could get back that spark, I would. But that message was the last straw. If you really still want to keep up with me, I have a twitter. I’m karmacaitlyn.
I hope that one day, maybe even someday really soon, I’ll come back. But until then, goodbye. <3
Every month on the eighteenth at half past three
I end up sitting under that same oak tree
I’m holding on to this stupid belief
That one day you’ll find your way back to me
We both screwed up a lot along the way
But in all of that mess we got something right
Hot Georgia summer days that bled into breezy nights
Poetic words from mouth to ear under starlight
A walk through the shallow green creek
Catching fireflies and setting them free
Swapping T-shirts and sprinting home
Sunrises that we didn’t mean to stay up to see
Summer ended and we lost touch
But if you ever want, you know where to find me
I’ll be sitting under that same old oak tree
Every month on the eighteenth at half past three